Peter Slattery

I am always delighted by fun and useful ways of asking people to do things. So the other morning while jogging, I spun by (well, slowed down even more really) a guy dressed in morning coat and top-hat. Unusual clobber for Sydney on a warm day…in fact any day really. And he handed me this:

This sign I recently found in the toilet of a health care facility for the aged and disabled.

Someone actually put their name on this sign. And gave their title which only adds to the strangeness of it all:

‘Team Leader. Aged and Disability Services.’

I have deleted the person’s name because I can only assume that they are well-intended. I have to also say that it is an extremely odd communication. My mind, if given to boggling, would indeed boggle.

I have been meaning to put something up for some time about this.  Shortly I will put up an article based on a workshop I recently did for the Youth Action and Policy Association here in New South Wales.  In the meantime, I have tried to detail some of the ingredients I think make for a useful conversation between young people and those who seek to help them. And they are these:

Being unexpected, unusual. Something which catches the person’s attention, because ‘same-old same-old’ is unlikely to work

The ‘attention catching’ is meaningful, not just amusing or clever

Which means it is interesting for this person

And it needs to be relevant and deal with what is on the person’s mind, not only what others might be concerned about

The nature of the conversation needs to ‘fit’ for the person. It needs to be chatty if this is their style, or possibly brief and reflective if they are less verbal; playful or serious; more abstract andconceptual or more concrete in style and focus; more public(chat) or more private (reflection)…

 Old unhelpful behaviours, ways of thinking and feeling need to be ‘contained’. They find little place and little expression…

Because the conversation explores new meanings to old stories

Or overlooked stories…

Or forgotten aspects of old stories

So that new possibilities appear…

And as they appear there is choice as to what might be explored further

In equal measure there is support and challenge, comfort and adventure…

With the aim that a person might experience themselves in some new way, which means a new thought, feeling or action

And with a good eye and total honesty, there is a quite deliberate attention to and a focus on a person’s existing strengths, qualities, triumphs

And with the same good eye of perception there is a noticing of and drawing attention to the exceptions to behaviours and ways of being which are less wonderful for the person and those around them. There is attention to the contradictions and contrasts as these suggest there are choices about how to be in the world

And a conversation intentionally or by natural progression will tend to explore what research and experience tell us are likely to help a person grow well in life:

• Connection and belonging
•  Solid relationships
•  Being in charge of life
• A clear and positive sense of self and identity

And finally, it is the task of all involved parties, but particularly the worker, to monitor with integrity the process of the conversation to ensure that it genuinely embodies and mirrors each of these ideas.

I am sitting in a beautiful square in Rhodes, and listening (not eaves-dropping mind you) to a conversation at the next table. There is that glorious mixture of long-term world travellers which can be encountered in many such moments across the planet. People who never settle, who keep moving and are odd/charming/unconventional/interesting/don’t quite fit in/charismatic…travellers. And someone at the table is saying how diabolical it is for children to have to adopt a religion at birth. He argues that not until they are of an age where they can decide for themselves would he introduce religion, at a time when they can make a choice. And he is saying this rather vehehmently and seemingly fairly uncompromisingly. And there does seem to be a bit of a mismatch between the democratic values of choice, understanding and tolerance that he is espousing and the way that he is expressing it.

And I was reminded of a time some years ago when I attended a lecture which went for a couple of hours, and the person was talking about the importance, relevance, meaning and value of conversation, of listening to others and having an exchange. As a lecture, it was fine. But it was indeed a lecture. And at the time, I was struck by what did indeed appear to be a certain irony when you consider the content of the evening and the form chosen for its delivery.

And I am struck constantly by this odd contrast. And I do wonder about what does seem like a lack of awareness. And I marvel at my own extraordinary ability to spot these flaws and inconsistencies. Because of course, being the smartest person in the world myself, I have absolutely no difficulty whatsover in seeing the blind spots in others. You know, it’s not easy being the smartest person in the world.

I gave an evening workshop a little while ago on communcation and someone asked me what skill or strategy should they work on if they were going to focus on just one. My clever answer was: the one you most want to develop. My second, less clever and perhaps more useful response was: when communicating, to focus on what you want (rather than what you don’t want) and then to express this specifically. So simply put, for example rather than saying: ‘Don’t be late.’ Say: ‘Be on time.” And to be a little more specific say: ‘Come at 9am.’ (Or whatever ‘on time’ is.)

At the time I wondered if my response really indicated what I thought was the most important aspect of communication. And although I do think the above is hugely important, and surprisingly, often seemingly ignored, perhaps there are several other guidelines which precede it. Like:

First, decide what you want to have happen and then chose words that are most likely to make this happen.

And what really goes hand in hand with this is:

Use whatever words you most want to be in the person’s mind.

We all know how this works. A child stands up in their high chair and waves a plate of food about. Do we want that food on the floor or in the bowl and back on the tray? If we say: ‘don’t you drop that now!’ I think we just increase the chances of the food hitting the floor. ‘Sit down slowly now sweetheart’ might get a better result.

Down at the ice-skating rink if we want that show-off to go over (and maybe we do) then say: ‘Don’t slip on that ice will ya!’ Or: ‘Don’t go doing anything fancy on those skates!’

Okay so we all know this. The following sign is on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and is an interesting example, not so much of saying something positive and focussing on what you want, but is a strong example of the words that you really do want to be in someone’s head if they are considering jumping

‘Fatal and tragic.’ There is no coming back from this decision is what the sign says. My guess and hope is that it may well encourage someone to pause and rethink.

A few weeks ago I heard Arlo Guthrie on the radio doing a live show from Melbourne. He is as interesting as he has ever been. In between his songs, which are in themselves comments, he made an interesting comment on the state of our world. With his crinkled sense of humour and optimism he said something like…

“Never before in history has it been so possible for so few to do so little and for it to mean so much to so many.”

Now that’s handy to know, encouraging, and a back-hander all at the same time.

And just in case you would like to check the famous ‘Alice’s restaurant’…all 19 minutes of it…here is the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_7C0QGkiVo

Listening to the radio the other day and there was a talk back show about our favourite topic, the global financial crisis (GFC if you are “in the know”) …and someone rang in to say how it was like a near-death experience. I was delighted to hear one of the financial expert people say something like..

“No no, it’s more like a bad dose of the flu. Our economy will be in bed for a few days, recover and then get up and get on with it.”

What a sensible thing to say.

Who is advising spokespeople for…well anyone really…at the moment, because of how things economically, I am particularly thinking about banks. So who is advising spokespeople on HOW TO SPEAK?

This on the radio a few days ago… a bank somewhere in Europe is under threat because of a run; people withdrawing money. The spokesperson on public radio said something like:

‘Under normal conditions we would be okay. If you keep coming to the bank and taking out your money, our liquidity will be jeopardised.’

I think the stand out messages people will take from this are:

‘LIQUIDITY JEOPARDISED’

‘COME TO THE BANK AND DRAW OUT YOUR MONEY.’

We needed to hear that the bank could do business as it always has. Yes, times are tough and we ask everyone to do as they always have and we will continue to look after all our customers.

Or something like that…it needs to be truthful and also sound as if it is. And this bank can continue to function as it always has…and what it needs is for everyone to continue to act as they always have. How likely is everyone to relax upon hearing the words: ‘DON’t PANIC’

In response to my post below about gloomy predictions and communication, I said I would post something more positive when I found it….

Here is John Huxley writing in the Sydney Morning Herald on 7-8th Feb. 2009. The headline reads:

‘And now for the good news’
and then;
‘A recession is no laughing matter, writes John Huxley, but we might as well have a bit of fun’

And then goes on to tell us various things. Like, people tend to drink and smoke less in tough times. We tend to lose weight, exercise more. And he says some people are kind of saying:

‘Bring it on.’

Times are tough, so what the hell!

In his article John tells us that many people seem to be saying ‘no; to rampant consumerism and ‘no’ to all that information that we thought we needed. So, hey, here is another voice to doom and gloom sayers. Ta John.

You see the following sign:

‘DON’T PANIC!’

And what do you do?

Or possibly you hear, in conversation, these words:

‘Look, don’t take this personally…’
‘No offence but…’

What comes into your mind? Possibly not…‘gee this is gona be fantastic, I can hardly wait!’

Last week I heard someone on the radio…not sure who…saying something like: ‘Economics is as much about psychology as it is about numbers.’

I kind of agree I gota say! I’m neither a politician nor a journalist…through design, motivation, lack of ability…not sure which…or all…but I do pay a little attention to the idea of communication…and yes…we do have a GFC…Global Financial Crisis (just in case you haven’t been paying attention) and yes we really do need to notice that it is happening and yet the other day on the front page of the BUSINESS section of the paper I usually read was the banner:

‘Banks’ bad debts go from bad to worse’

And the smaller headlines on the same page:

‘UK counts cost’

‘Bad news’

Is this really the only way that reality can be viewed and commented on? Communication theory (ie the best way to communicate) tells us that we focus on what we want and then describe ways to achieve it. So I shall post again, when next I see something I think is both realistic, hopeful and inspirational in terms of our GFC.